eulogy for a public figure

This...might get weird.  I'll be talking about depression and suicide ahead, and while I am in no current danger, it's just a heads up.






Suicide and depression take another life, and because it was a life that had touched nearly everyone, this is a grief shared.

Part of my own struggle with depression is managing sorrow, real sorrow, in small parts that don't destroy the delicate mental framework keeping me functioning.  Watching the outpouring of grief, from every person I'm connected to over social media, has been overwhelming.  I have spent the last several hours trying to delay, deflect, and distract from the recollections, favorite moments, favorite movies (dear god if i see the disney genie ONE MORE FLIPPING TIME), favorite quotes, acts of remembrance...

Very few of the responses have been what is a pretty bleak reaction from my gut (predictable...I'm Britta-ing this[or maybe just straight up Eyore-ing]).  Watching someone who had access to better help than myself, who had spoken out against suicide, who's work as an actor was one of my first ways of discussing my own mental illness; how do I stand a chance?  I don't know the full circumstances, I'm honestly too afraid to go looking for them.

This is a person killed by a disease.  A disease that has therapies in place, but many of those are undermined by the cultural trappings of mental illness and depression specifically.  I can only hope that after the shared moments and initial shock pass that this death will help change the dialogue, or promote action and recognition that tears away the subversive public stance around suicide.

Part of me misses Alaska...I didn't need a suicide plan there, you just had to head out into the bush and it would recycle you back into the landscape.  I lost a friend up there, she just went out to never return.  The rest of me is very glad I no longer have a plan or means at hand, though dwelling on the subject like this is potentially dangerous for me.

Hopefully getting some of this out will quiet my head enough to allow sleep.