So....masks. Keeping up appearances. It takes a lot of energy to maintain the pleasant fiction that I'm not screaming inside my head. Unfortunately, it's been 9 months since this bout of depression started, and now I'm having more and more trouble keeping up that mask. I want to hide. I want to howl. I want I want I want.
How selfish.
And so my mask stays up in public. My wife has had to deal with seeing me take it on and off. See me fake it for other people, but not for her. I don't want to be fake, I really want to be the generous, outgoing, and likable guy. (again, selfish). Would faking mood for her be a good thing? Or would she see it as a vain attempt to appease and please her?
I know that everyone says to act the way you want to be, and you will be that way. I want my battery back so I can do that.
</selfish>
Depression is an illness. It is a chronic disease. If someone had a banged up leg that was hurt, you wouldn't expect them to run around all the time as if they were perfectly fine, would you?
ReplyDeleteYeah sure, there are some times they are going to suck it up and run and play as if there is nothing wrong, and there are other times they are going to say, "Nope not going to push it today."
The most dangerous thing about depression is that we don't respect it as a chronic illness, we want to will ourselves better; so we fight it, we resist it, and not only does the disease sap our spoons, but our fighting it head on does as well, because we're fighting ourselves, so we're double or triple whammied.
Good luck and best wishes.
Thanks Stormy, and these are all things that both of us recognize at an intellectual level, but emotionally it hasn't been as easy. We love the spoon method for tracking tasks, and Charlie uses it all the time for her pacing.
ReplyDeleteNo the emotional convincing is NEVER easy. It is a long hard slough through the muck and the mire. It takes help, love, caring, and willpower.
ReplyDeleteIn the end, truth is always better with fiction for the ones we love. Bad news doesn't get better with age.
And I mentioned spoons cause I figured C. had bumped into it, but it is as true for the emotional stuff as well as the physical. And that was the point I wanted to make sure got across.
You are thought of.