I've been struggling with depression since I was 14. It rears it's head frequently, and keeps me from acting, or feeling/showing emotions other than sadness. This last bout began December of 2011, and it took me about a month to seek treatment. Since then, I've seen 3 different therapists, and tried about 7-8 medications for depression and anxiety. It's ruined relations with my wife, and distanced my family. I've withdrawn from everything I enjoy, using work and videogames as a management strategy to keep the worst at bay.
We're under financial stress. Our apartment is too expensive for us to continue living in,rent being close to 45% of my income. She feels incredible guilt for not contributing, even though work is beyond her physically.
But my wife can't take it any more. My inaction has made her feel unwanted, unappreciated, and unloved. She holds my inaction and occasional thoughtlessness against me, and hasn't forgiven me for transgressions that go back 7 years or more. She also believes she has nowhere else to go, having completely cut off her family, and hates herself for staying with me and using me for health insurance and money since her disease has left her unable to work. In January she said she only has a certain amount of time left for me to turn my behavior around. We're now reaching that point, and I'm still borderline suicidal on maximum doses of antidepressants. She's mad at me, mad at her, and I can do nothing except be paralyzed with guilt and sorrow. She views my inaction as an indication I don't love her enough to overcome this disease. I counter with the facts about depression, and how it saps the ability to act. We've had this fight many times.
Last night we talked about it, and she went into the bedroom mad, and said "I don't want to be around you". I slept stretched between our two chairs, with the cats. Woke, showered, she was still in the bedroom with the door shut. I went to work, feeling defeated. I long ago gave up on being happy myself, so I've been trying to make her happy. I can't seem to manage that except for short bursts, and certainly not with the passion and romance she needs.
I'm losing her. I don't know what to do, if it would be kinder to separate or keep on with her trapped and frustrated and venting at me frequently.
